My grandfather passed away in the middle of May this year. That's when the cancer won. He was 72 years old (but I never thought of him a day older than 65) and I had never lost anyone that close to me before. I'm not sure you're "allowed" to have a favourite grandparent but he was my favourite. He was a great and handsome man. A surgeon and an adventurer. He bought me my first guitar, took me and my siblings sailing in the archipelago, taught me a lot and I will never forget how he used to sit in the sofa solving sudoku puzzles and reading about history.

Last time I saw him was in the end of April or so. We didn't live in the same city since I had to move for university when I started studying. My parents called me and told me that it was time to come home and see my granddad, maybe for the last time. He looked so small and he was so tired. It was heartbreaking seeing him that way. Before I left I hugged him and I told him that I love him. "I love you too" he whispered. A nurse entered the room for some kind of check-up. She helped him sit up and it was time for us to leave. I don't know if I'll ever forget what he looked like just as I was leaving. Small, tired and thin but really cute (you know, cute in the way old people are a lot of the time).

I didn't cry. Instead I withdrew and didn't want to talk about it. However, when my dad finally called me a few weeks later and told me that his father had passed away I couldn't hold my emotions back anymore. I cried. I cried that night and I cried a little bit the day after. I also shed a few tears at his funeral but other than that I've just been avoiding to think about the whole situation. Every time I've started to think about my granddad I've just pushed the thoughts away. It's not until recently (the past month or so) that I've started to feel sad about my granddad's death again. I miss him. I often wonder if I've mourned him enough. How do you know you're done grieving? I don't even know if I've mourned him at all (except for the first couple of days). It confuses me a little bit. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel.

I haven't really told anyone about this (my therapist doesn't even know my grandfather passed away quite recently) and tonight I really felt like getting this off my chest. Thanks for reading.