I've always launched right into a serious relationship, in the beginning I have felt that every one of these women was a gift from god. No one has ever made me this happy.. and then I start to get suspicious.

I find myself watching everything they do, everyone they talk to, for I am sure that they are 'up to something'. Most of the time I do find something that I can imagine or latch onto that they are not being faithful to me. If I do not find anything, I begin to imagine that they are.... and then I start to get suspicious.

I got chills reading this . . . the similarity to myself all too unthinkable, almost unfathomable even though it carries itself through my veins. And I NEVER would've thought anyone else would know just what it's like. Perfect description. . . lousy endings. That is why I remain in the relationship I am in now to see it through among my many flaws in working on recovery of my mental and emotional being. I have recognized, finally, that I am the blame for my demise . . . to see it any other way is a true denial and would only bring ongoing turmoil, heartbreak and need for starting all over again and alas, though I still think about it . . . it has gotten old. My boyfriend is the most understanding, I put him through hell . . . how could I leave someone that loves me for EVERYTHING that I am and am not. I want to find the best of me again and one day give to him what he gives to me.