I have a history of SI but haven't done any for a pretty long time. There are times when things get really difficult for me and the urge returns...sometimes the urge is stronger than others. Most of the time I am able to resist the urge. When I do SI, I find relief in the moment when I cut, but I feel really horrible and disgusting later. And if I do allow myself to SI, inevitably it leads to a cycle of needing it again and again to get that relief and it can take some time to break the cycle and stop the SI again.

I've been having a really tough time the past week or so fighting the need to SI. I'm having such a hard time and everything feels so overwhelming and unbearable. None of my usual coping strategies are bringing any relief and as I run out of things to try the need for the sense of relief I get when I SI gets stronger and stronger.

There is part of me that feels like maybe I should just go ahead and allow myself the release/relief and SI. Right now it feels like I am just prolonging the inevitable and the longer I hold out the stronger the need is...it feels like the longer I wait the harder it will be to keep the SI under control and I'm afraid of doing more harm than I really intend.

So my stupid question is really one about caring for myself afterward if I'm not able to continue to resist this need. I'm afraid of hurting myself so badly that I'll need more medical attention than just the first aid I've been able to take care of myself in the past. While I'm trying to fight the urge to SI, I also feel like I need to have a plan in place and know what to do just in case I fail.

If I do cut too deep and think it needs stitches, where is the best place to go and will I have to worry about someone trying to force me to be hospitalized? Can I just go to an urgent care center instead of a hospital ER to get stitches if I need to? Would that just freak them out and would I be better off going to an ER? If I go to an ER will they understand that I wasn't suicidal but it was just SI gone too far and be willing to just stitch me up and go back on my way as long as I promise I will follow up with my therapist or psychiatrist?

I don't want to SI. I'm trying really hard not to. But I'm just trying to make sure I know how to handle things because right now the urge is strong and I feel like if I do lose the battle and start to SI I will also lose the self control that keeps me from doing too much harm. Maybe if I know that I know what to do just in case it will eliminate a little bit of that anxiety and allow me to direct that strength to continue to fight the urge.

I'm sorry...I know this is rambling and a stupid question. Just trying to be as strong as I can be right now.