I was doing ok until sometime this afternoon. All the hopelessness and frustration and depression I managed to hold at bay for the last 2 weeks came tumbling back. I'm in a horrid mood. I don't see the point of continuing therapy with my current therapist because I feel like another crash is inevitable... which means her referring me out is inevitable. but there's no one to refer out to. And then what's the point of therapy anymore? I know I need to deal with the trauma crap that underlies everything. Ideally, I would do that at a residential, but I can't because of my lack of funds. I also can't afford a real therapist. As much as I appreciate the sliding-scale clinics, they only have interns and students available. Unless that student is working on a trauma specialty, I don't want to waste my time. I'm so tired of treading water in therapy. I think I may even be tired of therapy. I never get anywhere meaningful. It's all pointless. Medications make everything worse. That means my only hope is finding a therapist willing to put up with me (and me willing to keep treading water again till I can build up trust with yet another person). The chances of that are slim.
In the mean time, I'm pissing people off left and right. I'm sure my wife will leave soon enough. I'm really a horrid person (if you spend any time in my head with the thoughts that run rampant, you would agree). I portray this sweet, caring, compassionate person, when in reality the pictures in my head make me cringe. I would never intentionally hurt anyone else, but I am fair game... and I end up hating myself more and more with each passing day.
It never gets better. It will never get better, so what's the point in trying. I should cancel with De and free her up to see someone deserving of help (someone who can make use of it). This black hole in my chest is the reason she's going to end up sending me to someone else. I just can't keep it under wraps. :/