hey. i know he isn't a mind reader. i think he does know that i feel upset about him having time off. i'm pretty sure he does know because i let a little of the emotion through. i learned about that in dbt. about letting a little bit of the emotion through in ways that other people can understand. that being said i guess it is possible that he doesn't know. i do tend to numb out. come across as perfectly fine even though i'm not feeling so fine inside. but i'm pretty sure he does know because he has become really very good at detecting when i'm not feeling so good inside. mostly he says 'whats going on' or 'whats up' or 'what happened' when something is going on. not always. but mostly. he doesn't know how much this is getting to me. i don't want him to know how much. because i know it is perfectly understandable and fair that he takes the time off. i understand that. and the last thing i want is a little lecture on how it is okay for him to be doing that. i know it is okay for him to be doing that. it is just that it doesn't FEEL okay.

it doesn't FEEL okay. and sure i tell myself that it is understandable and the like and sure i try and focus on that. but that doesn't stop kt from crying and that doesn't help me FEEL okay.

yeah i imagine i do need to talk with / to him. but... i don't know what to say. i don't want him to think i'm trying to emotionally blackmail him / manipulate him into not taking the time off. i don't want him to give me a little lecture on how it is perfectly reasonable for him to take the time off.

what do i want from him?

i don't know. thats why im thinking about not going back, you see...