hey. my mother used to laugh at me if i told her about my feelings. she would laugh at me and then tell her friends what i had said and they would all have a good laugh at me. and i'd feel really dirty and stupid and embarrassed and ashamed. if she wasn't laughing then she was telling me i was stupid or that i wasn't feeling that or something like that. it is hard for me to talk about some of my feelings. not so much in a daily context. but when the feelings are very intense. or when i'd be mortified if the person laughed or told me that i wasn't feeling that. then in therapy... cognitive restructuring was kind of the same thing again. my feelings were bad and i needed to change them in order to be an acceptable person. not only that but having my feelings was supposed to logically entail having irrational / illogical / distorted thoughts. so... i learned not to say anything that t could jump on and beat me over the head with. i do find it hard yeah.

they didn't leave me after their wives had babies... they got a little too friendly with me after their wives had babies. basically... my father never showed much interest in me. he was avoidant in general i guess. i always longed to be closer to him because he never called me names or physically hurt me. but he couldn't even look at me really. then he left. and i was mortified. felt like i was breaking up. my mother was abusive. then when i got older i started going to homegroup. i got on really well with our homegroup leader and also got on really well with the other kids in the homegroup. he got a little too friendly with me after his wife had a baby. i... i was so flattered he showed an interest in me at all. he would talk to me about my feelings and my thoughts and my opinions. what i was studying. he would smile at me. of course in the end things turned bad and we didn't see each other anymore. later i felt pretty messed up about it. i kind of gave him my heart. at 14. pretty messed up about it. i was just so lonely. so lonely. i didn't want him to leave me. and a while later a similar thing happened again. and i guess i got this message that thats what you have to foster if you don't want people to leave. or something. i don't know. sick sick sick. i don't sleep with people (though part of me does) but i don't. i don't want to. i don't like that. because i won't be with anyone who wouldn't be with me if it wasn't for that. but who am i kidding... who would want to be with me? basically... i don't do relationships. i figure i'll always be single. that is fine with me. work work work work work being a housewife isn't in my nature anyway lol. and sacrificing my career... i don't think so... and looking after kids... nuh uh... i'd %#@&#! them up for sure. basically... i don't do intimacy.

i think i've lost the email address.

why won't i email him... um... because i'm really really really really really careful about boundaries. i've had people think i was a boundary violater by definition (by virtue of dx). i try to be really really really very careful and sensitive about that. but i asked if he could email instead of phone if he rescheduled. and he said ok but he would have to give me his home account because he was having problems with his others. i said he could give me his address later after he had sorted that out. he said it was okay he would give me that one. that even though it was a joint account his privacy was respected. i didn't want to take it. but he said it was okay. it does feel like encroaching on his personal life and i don't like that. also... i don't want to know too much about him i don't want to know. i worry i'll lose time and do something stupid (email his wife? who knows). i just wish i didn't know anything about any of this. i don't want to hurt him. i wish he wouldn't give me the power. lalalalala i don't want to know. he didn't even need to give me his address. i just needed to give him mine.

maybe...

maybe...

he does want me to email him. or at least he has decided it is okay if i email him.

my heart is sinking. i don't like this. i don't. i don't like it. at all.