As an abuse survivor, I tend to isolate from others a lot. I take a long time to trust people and tend to keep even those I think I trust at arms length. This is a really lonely place to be. I've worked hard on my recovery, but it still feels a lot safer alone. I tried dating last year, but was really not willing to close any physical gap, even just to hold hands, after several dates. But I'm almost 38 now and I just don't want to be alone forever. Tonight I went out to dinner with someone I feel I would like to be closer too, but I sensed the feeling wasn't mutal -- and I was relieved it wasn't! Ugh, I should be dissappointed at least. Then I thought maybe I am sabatoging myself, sending out messages that I'm not really interested in a relationship, so my "date" pulls back. This is so confusing and it hurts. I want to live "normal". I don't want to be afraid any more. I don't want to feel better alone but feel so lonely when I am. And I want "them" (the ones who attacked me as a child) out of my head, so I don't see them in every face, see them in my mind, think about them whenever I'm just trying to live a regular life. I don't want them coming on my dates any more.

Thanks for listening.

m.