thank you. i guess i'm feeling really messed up. i get the idea that you don't need to do anything at all to upset people they get upset all by themselves. i think he knows the 'reality' side of things is fairly upsetting to me. i think that is why he is careful to emphasise the reality side of things. i don't much like realities typically. i don't think he knows that his realities are as triggering for me as they are. maybe... i guess he knows they are triggering for me but he really isn't sure what that is about. so he is waiting for me to be able to trust him enough to say something.

he is taking a month off from the time his wife delivers. in a way that is good because it means he won't be around me at that time. not that i think i'm 'all that' or anything but i really do think that would be very hard for me. but that is bad because part of me feels like he will be abandoning me for other people who he actually cares about. thats why part cries and cries and cries. about feeling abandoned. but it is good that he won't be around then, yeah. i feel dirty. i worry a bit too because i worry about missing time. it doesn't happen very often but sometimes (when i'm very distressed) i miss time and find i've done things. i've done attacking things etc before and so i worry that some of that might get triggered. i don't know how to tell him that he does need to be careful about that without scaring him off.

disorganised attachment, huh. long to pull him closer with one hand and need to beat him off with the other. i'm surprised about the intensity of the feelings. kind of. kind of surprised. but then kind of not surprised if that makes any sense. it is so hard to be objective about oneself. it is so hard to see how to integrate all these feelings. i don't see how to integrate them without basically viewing myself as being this big incoherant muddled mess. i've used this metaphor before: i can be like a cat that has been just let out of a bag that someone tried to drown me in. grateful and all claws grateful and all claws all muddled up together with such intensity i feel paralysed. and i kind of have to keep it that way to make sure i don't lash out. i hope he is strong. i hope he is strong. i hope i won't be too much for him. because i'm too much for me sometimes and i don't know how to contain this.

yeah about boundaries. i guess i swing between the extremes. hard to keep them solid but flexible. another metaphor. this time to do with intimacy. sometimes it is like i want to cling. to be rocked like a baby. to be held. othertimes i need to get away. to shove hard so they back off. to run to run away. and for them to just kind of stand there solid with their arms on my shoulders so i can't encroach and i can't flee. this is metaphoric not literal. hitting and hating and running and screaming. damn. damn. damn i hate this.

what to do to make the feelings less intense? i have no idea. i need the feelings to reduce in intensity before i can share any of this. maybe some time will do that. some time away. i don't know. i'll see how i am in a couple weeks.