...I guess in the hope that I'd be able to pretend it never happened, but it's not working. But I can't bring myself to speak about it, so I want to see if I can write it...(it probably won't seem like a big deal written down, but it feels like a huge deal at the moment)

On Friday I had my French prelim, and I took a verb table in with me as well as a dictionary. I've brought the verb table with me to French class every day and nobody had told me not to bring it to the exam, but when I was halfway through the first paper one of the invigilators came up to me and asked if I was allowed them. I said I thought I was so she said she'd check with one of the teachers.

I started getting worried then, but I managed to get through the paper without getting too worked up. During the break I ended up crying in the toilets but that seemed to help and I thought I'd be fine for the next paper. Only, as soon as we got back into the exam room one of the teachers came in and told us we weren't allowed verb tables...I lost it then, couldn't stop crying and had to be taken out of the room for 15 minutes. Even though I was assured that I wouldn't get penalised for having the verb table with me, it took me a long time to calm down. I think the fact that the teachers kept asking me questions didn't help - I couldn't breathe properly, and I was finding it near impossible to speak, and it was frustrating me that I couldn't answer. (Do many people have this problem? People always seem to ask me questions when I'm crying, makes me wonder if it's unusual to have breathing difficulties. )

I'm so ashamed - I feel like a cheat. Even though at the time I honestly had no idea I was doing anything wrong, I still feel like a cheat. And now it seems really obvious that I shouldn't have had it with me...how could I be so %#@&#! stupid?