I'm still here. I'm in it for the long haul myself. I've asked friends to stop praying for me so I'll go insane, so I won't realize the full horror of what's going to happen to me. Doug laughed that one off.

God doesn't plan on letting me go insane, or letting me kill myself or even letting myself get destroyed by rage and self-hatred. Doug was talking about how God could pull good from the greatest tragedy. My life's been full of it and Satan's come by with a second heaping helping of it (the pain).

I'm listening to a hymn called "How Great the Wisdom and the Love." I wept the first few times when I heard it. Now I don't know what to feel. I only know that it's suddenly become very hard to justify my anger, which I have carried for over two decades. And suicide? It seems like a very bad idea. I'm not so sure about it as I was before.

My anger is melting away like snow in a spring thaw. This is one very confused little hamster.

I guess I'm in it for the long haul too.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.