Quote:
Originally Posted by hawaii04
I got chills reading this . . . the similarity to myself all too unthinkable, almost unfathomable even though it carries itself through my veins. And I NEVER would've thought anyone else would know just what it's like. Perfect description. . . lousy endings. That is why I remain in the relationship I am in now to see it through among my many flaws in working on recovery of my mental and emotional being. I have recognized, finally, that I am the blame for my demise . . . to see it any other way is a true denial and would only bring ongoing turmoil, heartbreak and need for starting all over again and alas, though I still think about it . . . it has gotten old. My boyfriend is the most understanding, I put him through hell . . . how could I leave someone that loves me for EVERYTHING that I am and am not. I want to find the best of me again and one day give to him what he gives to me.
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I believe that you can. For you have insight. I do not. I am too damaged and am not willing to do the painful work of healing my core trauma. I don't believe in therapists, I refuse to acknowledge any of my wrongs since I do not see myself as wrong, if I do, it means I'm all bad and leads me to suicidal thoughts.
It's too big, it's too ugly and it involves severe illness as a child and abandonment by my father at age 3. I was also beaten regularly by my stepfather.
I've asked you all a question I know the answer to. I know why I can't stay with one woman. No one can provide me with the loving reassurance that I require. No one can. It is impossible.