((Jane))),

Sorry you were triggered. I was giving "some" ideas or reasons that can be underlying causes for "anxiety and triggers" that a person may not realize when they have a challenging day. I have had to learn how to understand a lot of this myself, and I have also learned a lot by listening to others, reading and having my T also work on it with me.

Jane, I don't know "all of the details" that challenge you, I just picked up on a few things that struck me, were familiar to me about some of the things you have expressed in your working through your challenges, things I have addressed myself too.

I was trying to address you with "could it be" and "often this is a root we do not always recognize" that is not our fault and simply things we had worked around but never resolved for "ourselves". I was also trying to help you recognize the things that you "have accomplished" in spite of the short comings of others who could have done much better to "nurture you in more positive ways".

I have been working on these challenges myself Jane, and to be honest with you this Thanksgiving Holiday has been a big challenge for me. After I experienced so much damage to my horses and ponies that were such an important part of me, I broke down and ended up in a psych ward that ignored my constant requests for rest and grief counseling. My family pretty much abandoned me, my older sister came in to see me and basically yelled at me ignoring my pleas to get me out of that place and how it was making me so much worse. I was also misdiagnosed and those 9 days were horrible, just horrible and no one would listen. I left there worse then when I went in and my family was so unsupportive and angry with me. I have "complicated grief disorder" and PTSD, and if I had had the right treatment, I would not have gotten so bad. If one wanted to punish someone for experiencing grief so badly that it was overwhelming them in every way?, it would be how I was treated.

Trying to get through the holidays for me is very painful. I deal with some very crippling ghosts that just come over me and at the same time I am trying to just function through these holidays with the very family that "failed me" and actually made me feel horrible for being challenged with something very real, that I just could not help and really needed help with. So I have had to look at a lot of things in some very different ways. And I try to share what I have been learning with others who deserve to be heard and comforted.

I see you as a very smart, gifted, good person Jane, and you didn't get some things you deserved to get from your family too. I find that it helps to be able to look behind these people who failed us to why they have these deficiencies. It has helped "me" deal with some deep challenges better myself because I am able to get to a higher level of overall understanding rather then just being within the dysfunction itself and suffering from it in these disturbing cycles.

I am a work in progress myself Jane, I also have some crippling PTSD challenges myself that I am still slowly learning to understand and work through some very deep injuries. I can tell you, I am certainly not at my best right now tbh. I am not a therapist, I am also struggling and most of what I say is "do you think it could be this, here is what I am learning" however, I may not always be wording my messages the way I mean to, so I am not judging you or assuming, so if you feel that way, it isn't my intention. Especially right now when I am also having a challenging cycle.
I ended up having a horrible night last night, I could not seem to get warm, but that was because I was having flashbacks of being in the psych ward where my room's heat was not working, I was given a thin blanket where I could not get warm, I was in shock too and the only attention I got was being checked every 15 minutes that only kept startling me when I really needed so badly to be able to sleep and rest. It was horrible, and I hate when I experience that with flashbacks and body memories, even when I don't want to, or am not even thinking about it.

((Hugs))

OE