Im in my 30's and still battling the internal mental torture from my childhood. It doesn't help that practically everything around me is a potential trigger. Songs, sports on tv, certain weather, smells, people and places from the past. If I run out of triggers, my dreams can be counted on to conjure some up. I can't keep running from things because there is no where else to go. I am tried of running, tired of hiding, tired of cutting people off, tired of sabotaging my relationships with others, tired of assuming I am better when I am NOT.

I sometimes get angry at myself, I get angry at my dysfunctional family. Sometimes I feel like I should be crying when I have no tears. Sometimes I wonder who would want to be around someone like myself? I try to figure out any reason for me to deserve this. I ask out loud while alone "haven't I suffered enough?!??!?!". It doesn't help when my T claims I will have struggles the rest of my life.

My girlfriend tells me I am improving, but I don't see it or feel it. I eat healthy, meditate, excercize daily, seeing a therapist. I know deep down I am a good man. I live positive, I respect others and don't purposely cause harm. Sure I may have some up days...

In the end, Im still the little 5 year old boy locked in a room, forced to take sleeping pills so he won't have to be a bother anyone.

What is one to do? Do I just accept that this is who I am?