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Originally Posted by Angel of Bedlam
This is hard for me as my fear of rejection has kept me from really ever doing the pursuing. If it were me, I'd send him something where you leave the ball in his court. Maybe something along the lines of this: Hey hope your well. I know you're busy, I would like to see you again if possible. If that's something you wanna do let me know. Look forward to hearing from you.
I'd let it lay after that. No future texts/calls/etc. This kills two birds with one stone- you're no longer responsible for the contact, and you're also giving the opportunity for another date. Hope this helps!
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I've already done that…or something similar. He was also in town for a conference and I asked him if he had time if he'd like to meet. He apparently didn't have time and maybe that was unfair to ask…I don't know…it's just that he'd rather go watch 4 hours of rehearsals (not concerts) instead of meeting me/talking to me. I can understand he'd rather go to concerts or going to classes (I don't remember what they're called at a conference) than talk to me. I would also understand why he'd rather go to the banquet whether than doing anything with me because he'll find out who's retiring and whose job he can take.
I also can't take rejection and rarely pursue a guy. But if I NEVER pursue a guy I never have a chance. A guy will never pursue me and even if he does he tries about as little as he can. I mean, I show a little resistance and apprehension at first and they never talk to me again…that's not normal if he's "pursuing me" right? I mean, wouldn't they try more than once? If I act like I don't want to kiss on the first date (which I didn't even know was a date), is it normal to just move on if he liked me? For example...
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Originally Posted by quietfeline
This statement here is contradictory to your opening post. Everything you're saying is about being self-conscious about what you're saying and doing with this guy.
The other thing you've brought up is that you don't understand why it needs to be two sided vs one sided. A relationship by definition is between two people, not one person doing everything required. I can relate to this, as I've sometimes acted that way. But it will never, ever work if you don't give the other person a chance to put forth their efforts and energy into this.
Either they like you or they don't. In my experience, if a man truly likes you, there is little room for doubt. If there is confusion, doubts, being super self conscious, then either he is playing games, effed up, or using you.
I've also found that men (and some women) do NOT like to be pressured. I'm pretty sure you've given him the message that you're interested, don't chase. This makes a person appear desperate, I'm not saying you are, but the appearance of desperation is not attractive to anyone.
Hope that helps and forgive me if it was too harsh.
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I'm not self-conscious in person though. I am more self-conscious with any other communication because it seems that the slightest thing will make someone go from liking me to hating me and I don't want to mess up again. I don't know how many chances I'll get, if I'll get any more.
To be honest, I am desperate, but I'm trying not to show it.
I've also noticed that with guys that if you don't respond to pressure they just move on because other girls WILL kiss on the first date (and will actually be aware that it's a date because they're less of an innocent moron than me). I mean, why bother with someone who isn't giving them sex immediately when they could go with someone who would? And don't say that if he "loves" you, he'll just wait no problem. I mean, that's not good for them physically and it's kind of cruel to make them wait unless they have little to no sex drive.
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Originally Posted by healingme4me
Because, it takes two people to make a relationship. That's why it being reciprocal, is a need v. Want. I'm not pulling this marriage counseling needs list, out of thin air. There are things, that relationships need to have, to work.
You are posting here, clearly, something isn't gelling. You have unmet needs, by this man.
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I'm also posting here because I don't understand what I'm supposed to do to…especially since I'm sure I've screwed everything up by mentioning negative things about myself. I really just hate having to hide everything…what are we going to talk about if I have to kill nearly every conversation to avoid anything that isn't 100% positive?
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Originally Posted by healingme4me
Relationships and the Importance of Reciprocity
I didn't find the list, yet, from archives on this one, which is where I am sure, I found it, at this point, I need to delve into my own journals, to find specifically the 'big needs list', but here are a couple more sites, that discuss 'needs', where relationships are concerned, (crossing my fingers, I am not violating TOS, of PC, and if I am, mods please just remove and forgive me, in the spirit of this thread)
The Most Important Emotional Needs
(this one, has almost all the 'big needs' listed, as I was browsing..)
List of Relationship Needs | True Potential Blog
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This just looks like a fairy tale…it would be nice if this happened in real life, but someday I have to grow up and be realistic. It's the same with my career, someday (pretty soon actually) I have to wake up and realize that I'll be doing anything but what I want to do. I would be fine with just having a job I don't absolutely hate and a relationship with someone who isn't abusive. Anything more is a pipe dream.