My general coping is a total disaster lately.

I'm a 46 year old guy, three years post-divorce. I am feeling severely lonely but also acting severely socially phobic; I am feeling both intensely bored and stressed at work and it's really showing, yet the thought of making any major changes is overwhelmingly anxiety-provoking; things I normally enjoy are making me feel sad because I keep thinking "like THAT's going to go anywhere". I want a whole life makeover, but I "want it NOW!!!" ... I have absolutely zero patience for anything anymore. I am beginning to see things I commonly do wrong, things that have caused all my problems, like emotional stuffing, social phobias, performance anxiety, low assertiveness, and low self esteem symptoms, etc. but I don't know how to fix it all.

I am going back to talk therapy next week. I am ambivalent about meds because they sometimes help a little in the very short term but I get A LOT of intolerable side effects on everything. Long term they have not been helpful.

One minute I am pretty relaxed and motivated, the next I am a total nervous wreck and extremely negative and irritable. I keep expecting to not go anywhere meaningful in life, and it's destroying my mood. I can pull myself out of this demotivated rut, especially by being more social and opening up to people, but it is getting harder to do.

I am not sure how to deal with this. It feels like the midlife crisis from He** that is also stirring up a TON of unresolved stuff from the past. An "uber-crisis". The sudden-onset anger and/or apathy are getting extremely hard to deal with. I can't seem to get motivated without getting really frustrated/anxious and I can't seem to calm myself without then feeling sad and apathetic, or wanting to "cocoon". I would welcome any and all suggestions at this point.

I KNOW I can and will climb over the "wall" I have hit, I've done it before. The thing is I am so tired of finally seeing the dumb self-defeating things I think and do, over and over, with no permanent resolution to the patterns. I want a REAL change for once.