I was hoping to have the support of a day program to help get through the holidays and start working on the trauma stuff with my therapist in the new year. The problem (aside of insurance not being accepted many places) is that they all seem to have a med requirement. I had really bad experiences with medications for many years and am no longer willing to put my life on the line with them. Even though I still go through bouts of really bad depression, I am functioning MUCH better without meds. I'm safer, which is saying a lot.
All the programs want me to take meds to be able to participate in the program. I am no longer living near the places that had seen me both on and off meds, so no one seems to believe the "crazy" woman who says that meds only make everything worse. Yeah, I get that my mental state is really poor sometimes, but not as bad as on meds. I try to give consent for the programs to reach out to my old therapist and the program I used to go to, but they refuse to even entertain the thought. If my word is no good, and you refuse to contact the professionals that agree with me being off medication, then my hands are tied. Even though I'm pretty much begging for additional support, it's refused because they are of the mindset that meds are a must. I understand they work wonders for some people, and that there are a ton of them out there, but I have tried all meds available up until about 2 years ago. I visited the hospitals so often they stopped doing the full histories because everyone knew me by name at that point (it's really bad when even the per-diem triage nurses know you by face and name). Prior to trying meds, I had never needed hospitalization. I tried them for a short time in college and wound up in the ER. I stopped them for several years (though kept up with therapy) and balanced out. Then I switched therapists to one who happened to push the idea of medication. I reluctantly tried them again. Almost within a month of starting, I was inpatient for the first time ever. I started the revolving door of local hospitals for over 4 years. Then I went out of state to a trauma specialty program and they took me off all my meds. Between the therapy and the lack of meds, I was able to balance again until I returned to where my trauma happened. Now I'm triggered almost every day but can't find additional support. I'm not believed because I have a diagnosis, so I must not know what I'm talking about... I hate that. I know I get really depressed and triggered, but I also know that I can come out of it with additional support safety-nets in place and time to work on what's eating at me... I'm wishing I still lived up north so I could access the help that understood I just need someplace to "be" rather than pumped full of drugs. But then again, if I were up there, I would not have faced being so unbelievably triggered and without support for so long... it's a catch 22. If I were up there, I likely wouldn't need the support, but would be able to get it. Down here I need the support but can't get it. ::