Quote:
Originally Posted by JosieTheGirl
Frankly, it sounds like you intimidate the heck out of guys.
I don't know your personal situation, or you personally [obviously], but I can somewhat relate to a couple things your are saying.
And... you can tell a man you like them, are fond of them, are attracted to them, want to see if something might happen down the line.
This is open and honest communication. If someone is getting mad at you for telling them you appreciate them more than others in your life- there is something wrong with THAT PERSON- not with you.
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Oh I
am intimidating. I had to be when I was younger. I try to suppress that now, to project that it's actually safe to disagree with me…that I'm not angry at disagreements, I get angry when I'm disrespected or not listened to.
I would think it would be the other person that has the problem, but I've experienced enough of people lying about why they don't like me or lying and saying they'd date me when they had no intentions to (although that was probably my fault).
Quote:
Originally Posted by JosieTheGirl
I find it a shame that, particularly in relationships [of all kinds], we are encouraged to deceive and manipulate our words, to hide what we are feeling, to cater to what we might think the other person expects.
Don't do this.
If you are suppressing behaviors that are natural and needs you find imperative, whatever relationship you are pursuing is not likely to turn out well.
As I said, I don't know your general MO in real life.
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If I hadn't suppressed my behaviors and truly been myself all the time when I moved to a place no one knew me (and I could start over), I wouldn't have any friends and be kicked out of pretty much every group I joined. Now, I have friends and I'm slowly being able to be myself and express myself without judgment or invalidation.
Another reason that I always hide my feelings is because I'm sick and tired of them being invalidated. And it's not just emotions, it's physical pain too. And it's easier for me to just wait if I can trust the person enough to actually share feelings and opinions with before I do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JosieTheGirl
I think I tend to intimidate men because I am extremely giving and kind, but on the other hand- I'm not big into obfuscation or ********.
So while I will do pretty much anything for an individual I care about, I absolutely will announce when something is bothering me, or I feel is inappropriate.
As well, I tend to draw clear boundary lines for certain issues.
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I'll be honest, I intimidate men because when I get mad (like really mad), I get scary. Like breaking stuff angry, throwing stuff angry, threatening to kill/severely maim other people angry. When I was in high school, high school security had to get involved between me and a guy that felt threatened by me.
I'd love to be able to share my feelings and be listened to without having to make death threats, but unfortunately most people (well, mainly men) won't listen to me unless I yell and threaten violence. And if I find someone who might actually listen and give a crap about what I have to say or how I feel, they're too afraid of me. I'm obviously not going to treat those people like I do the ones that won't listen to me unless I make them, but I'm sure they can sense the monster lying under my calm, kind exterior.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JosieTheGirl
I'm just going to write the following, as even if i were to attempt to cushion the notion I would still get crap for it:
In my experience, there is often an expectation that men will "lead" and be balck and white, straight up, aware of what they want and be vocal.
The alternate expectation for women has often been that they would rather follow, that it is "nice" when they don't impose their desires- be it plans, or what to have for dinner, or even how to conduct a relationship in general.
So a lot of males routinely encounter wishy washy responses and interactions with females. This is not a blatant sweeping generality, but especially when younger women have difficulty reaching a point where what they say, want, need, establish as boundaries, are encouraged and appreciated.
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I didn't impose a single thing…unless suggesting that we hang out because I like talking to him is imposing? I suggested we meet for coffee because he wouldn't suggest anything. That and during the date, he pretty much just deferred to me on everything. I don't know if it's out of fear or what...
Quote:
Originally Posted by JosieTheGirl
At this point, I think for ME to have a good relationship it is essential to ask an say uncomfortable things- but that is seen as intimidating.
If it's so intimidating to have honesty, openness, and occasional necessary confrontation, that is not the man for me.
It's possible my read on this is completely out there, I feel like there's some element that I am hitting on though.
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I'm afraid in order to find a guy who isn't intimidated and/or terrified of me, I'd have to find someone as aggressive as me which would cause constant, violent disagreements. And even a lot of those "macho", aggressive types are terrified of me.
I'm not sure what to do…I know I did mention to him that I can be scary if I'm really angry, but I'm so much calmer in general than I used to be. I don't remember the last time I exploded at all, let alone at another person. I just think it's a good thing to know…not to say "you'd better not make me angry!" but more of saying "if I lose my temper and s*** gets broken, that isn't an unusual reaction to the point that I've had a psychotic break or something". Not sure how to explain that. Anyway, the point is that I don't see myself as having an anger problem anymore, but if something/someone pushes enough of my buttons correctly, people might see my true temper.