|
Dec 03, 2013, 04:19 AM
|
 |
|
|
Member Since: Nov 2013
Location: California
Posts: 16
|
|
I know that BPD makes relationships hard and that's just the grim reality of it. I often feel that I will wind up alone because I seem to ruin my relationships with self-destructive fervor. I can be the coolest friend in the world but as soon as we cross that line into romance I become needy, self-centered, and/or irrational.
I recently started dating this guy, we've actually known each other and been friends for 8 years. At first everything was great, I felt excited and giddy around him, all that good stuff  . He's a genuinely good person with a kind heart. I trust him and feel comfortable around him 100%. He has always been respectful to me and treated me well. We have similar tastes in movies and music; our sense of humor isn't exactly the same but he can make me laugh. He's not my typical "type" but I am attracted to him and he is in amazing shape.
Well, I was looking forward to being intimate with him because I had the desire to do so for about 2-3 years. Since we were just friends at the time, I never told him about my desires because I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship. Once we started dating, I let him know about it. We talked about it- not that we made plans for it or anything- I'm just saying it was out in the open. Then a close friend advised me to wait a little while before sleeping with him, and I listened to her. I usually don't have the patience for that, but decided that it wouldn't hurt to take things slower and get to know each other better first.
So, I made up my mind to wait. Then there were these two different occasions where he wanted me to come over late at night. The thing is, I hadn't seen him on either of those days, even though he was off of work, and actually one of the days was Thanksgiving. He didn't ask to see me or make plans to hang out, he just wanted me to go over late at night to "lay by him." I got this uneasy feeling that he was either using me for sex, or that he was only focused on getting sex. It felt too much like a booty call. I felt myself shut down emotionally after that. I've seen him a few times since then (this all happened very recently) and all those gooey feelings I had at first are gone. I just feel slightly annoyed by him now and I notice his flaws (sigh).
I know that sounds terrible and believe me, I don't want to feel that way towards him, but my BP always rears its head in the form of annoyance. I think that him treating me like a booty call was a trigger for me, and when I'm triggered I'm irritable. Always. I feel like such an awful person for feeling annoyed. I've tried to just let it go but it's easier said than done. I want to feel enamored with him again, how do I open up and get back there?? I think that this is mostly all my issue and not his. I can see how talking to him about sex was a mistake because it probably led him on. He couldn't have known that I had decided to wait if I didn't tell him. I did tell him, however, that I wanted to make sure the relationship was about more than just sex. I feel so frustrated at myself. Why can't I just relax, forgive him, and get back to the good stuff?
|