Hi.
I had two serious traumas happen in the year 2012. Well, the second one was a captivity situation that ended Feb 1 2013.

I have read about how dates and anniversaries can have a really profound effect on our struggles with PTSD.
I am wondering though if anyone here can relate to this:

I am noticing that in small ways, I am recreating conditions that match what was happening to me exactly a year ago. I am choosing to live/sleep in parts of the house that aren't supposed to be lived in.
(I feel like PTSD has turned me into a barn animal.)
During my time of being kept in a camper in the winter against my will and abused... I was made to use the bathroom in a bucket.
I try so hard to fight the urge to do this in my own basement... there is a bathroom right up the stairs. WHY can't I make myself go up and use it? Why am I pissing in a bucket? I don't understand why this part of me wants to re-enact what happened... and more importantly, why it is overpowering the part of me that wants to get BETTER.

I had totally stopped living this way over the summer/early fall, and the closer it has gotten to winter, the worse I've gotten.

I am also wondering if some of the anniversary-related backslides in progress will keep happening after I have made it through every season since my last trauma happened. I feel like I've gotten to a much better place with the trauma that happened in summer of 2012, but now it feels like I'm disappointing everyone who cares about me because I'm really bad again over the anniversary of my second trauma.

Any kind words or advice would be helpful, thank you.