I googled 'hopelessness' and somehow ended up at PychCentral. I joined and here I am. Please excuse any errors in etiquette as I learn this site.

Why did I Google 'hopelessness' you might ask? Because that's what I am. Let me give you the cliff notes version. I am 46 yrs old. I've been married for 20 yrs and have 2 teenage daughters. Last summer my wife told me that in the spring she had 4 one night stands, each with a different guy. I guess 20 yrs of monogamy was enough for her.

Since the summer I voluntarily spent some time in the hospital due to threats of suicide. I said what was expected of me so I could get out of there and back to work. Am I still suicidal? No, not actively. But I still consider it an option, a last resort if you will. On the other hand I do consider myself passively suicidal. As an analogy I'm not, at the moment, in danger of jumping in front of a train. But if I happen to be on the tracks and a train is coming, I'd be hard pressed to find a reason to jump out of the way. In other words, I won't do it myself but I very well might let it happen.

I think that's enough of my pathetic life story for now. I should save some of this saga of a loser for later.

Perry

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