My T has often commented that I have an inner taskmaster, an inner bully, that forces me to do things even when I don't want to. Sometimes, that's a good thing, like when I need to go to work or the grocery store or get things done around the house. Sometimes, it's not such a good thing, like when I beat myself up for not doing something I think I'm supposed to do. Or when I don't allow myself to take a break when needed. After my T pointed this out to me (for, probably, the millionth time) yesterday, I made myself a promise that I'd try to pay a little more attention to my needs and less attention to the inner taskmaster/bully.

Now, I find myself worried. I have a recurring event on Tuesday nights, that I usually enjoy going to. I've been feeling really detached the past two days, and I just didn't want to go to this event. I'm supposed to go, and I kept telling myself I needed to go and was trying to force myself to get ready. Then, about 15 minutes before I needed to leave, I just decided I didn't want to and decided to skip the event. However, often when I feel detached and skip this event, it's a sign that I'm starting to withdraw and isolate myself, which often leads to sui and self-harm thoughts. I'm not sure if I'm slipping down that path again or just listening to my need for a little personal relaxation tonight. I don't honestly know what my needs are a lot of the time, and I don't know if I should listen to what I think might be a need or listen to the taskmaster that says I should go do something.

How do you know when you're not doing something because you just need a break vs not doing something because you're trying to withdraw and isolate? How do you know when it's time to stop listening to that inner bully that keeps telling you to just suck it up and get things done?