First sorry you are being tormented by this. It's hard enough. I'm not sure if I have specific advice. I can relate an experience I just had that might indirectly address your concerns.

I just recently finished a course on Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction. It was all about developing self-compassion so lots shared the problem of being too hard on themselves, being a human doing instead of a human being. this poem was passed out during a silent all day retreat. It made many resonate with it so I'm going to share it.

Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when,
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the worlds without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor, if you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can do of all these things,

Then you are probably the family dog.