I am ashamed of my past; ashamed of my bipolar self and all the damage I caused. The four years I have been with my girlfriend is only the tip of the dagger. There are many people I have hurt. Many friendships destroyed. Bonds broken. Items, including precious mementos, destroyed. Opportunities squandered. My unwell self is responsible for so much pain and destruction, it is too overwhelming to think about now. How can I possibly make up for 20 years of carnage? I thought I might start with my girlfriend. She is the closest anyone has ever been with me. If anyone could be understanding and forgiving it would be her, right? Imagine my utter dread in realizing that even the my forgiving, compassionate and understanding girlfriend is unable to forgive nor offer compassion or understanding for me. That is not to say she should be blamed for that. No, the opposite is true. Anyone in her position would be vindictive and unforgiving after all she had went though. The emotion I feel when I think about how far I have pushed her to warrant such treatment… It is a very painful experience.

The things I say about my girlfriend now should not be taken as blame. When put into the context of the things she has had to endure for four years her reactions are to be expected. I only refer to them to explain the pain they cause and the hopelessness of my situation

I have made huge strides. I have only had a single bipolar episode this month and it lasted less than a day. However, that is not how my girlfriend sees it. Any small show of intense emotion, any increase in the volume of my voice, even small tiffs or disagreements are seen as “bipolar moments” and triggers such an explosive and powerful response from my girlfriend. Even reactions to her vindictive attitude towards me is seen as a “bipolar moment”. She uses these moments to bring up my past though she uses the excuse that “it has never stopped”. This is very painful to me. I know I have changed, however she does not treat me that way. She treats me the same as if I had not changed. She is sarcastic, hurtful and offers no understanding for what I am going through. And why should she? She was the victim for four years. She wants payback and she is entitled to it. She is always on the offensive, ready to attack at the slightest hint of any perceived symptoms. Her voice drips with contempt and resentment. It is the resolve and fury of a woman who is tired of being the victim and ready for some revenge.

However, she was not the only victim of my bipolar. It is overlooked that I am also a victim of my disease. Just as a cancer patient did not ask to have cancer or the symptoms that came with it, I never asked to have bipolar and I definitely did not ask to ride an insane out of control roller-coaster of emotions my entire life. I have to live with myself day to day (on bad days, hour by hour) as I am constantly reminded of all my out of control psychotic episodes and every crushing depression. I try to push the memories down, live in the present where I can control myself and be proud of how far I have come, but they always come back and the pain they cause makes me physically twitch, sick to my stomach and gives me headaches. I am terrorized by the knowledge of what I have done every day. Even my dreams are not safe. I have no god to pray to in order to free me from this torment, I can only seek forgiveness from those I have hurt. But when the person that you are closest to is unwilling or unable to forgive… The pain is 10x worse and my thoughts turn dark. I start to question my life and whether it is worth living anymore. If the sins of my past cannot be forgiven, is my only chance of redemption though death? Even if my thoughts do not go to such an extreme, I always come back to the realization that I will have no choice but to live my life alone. When I think about that I get needlessly angry at those that will not forgive me which makes things even worse as that show of emotion is seen as yet another bipolar moment, adding to the sins I already have against me.

In the last week these crushing thoughts have become much worse. I feel trapped between the terror of my past and the wrath of my girlfriend. All I want to do is escape from it. All of it. Dive into a game, work, movie, show, music; anything really just to stop myself from thinking about how impossible the situation is. This is not something I can just will myself to push though. There is absolutely no way to erase the past or make my girlfriend forgive. I am simply trapped in a no win scenario. The little hope that I had when I started my treatment is completely gone now. I am almost certain that my girlfriend and I will break up. It is only a matter of time till her quest for vengeance overtakes her love for me and that time is fast approaching. I have nowhere to run, nowhere to hide from the approaching storm. There is no way I can get out of the path. I will finally succumb to my illness as the last light of hope, my relationship with my girlfriend, is finally ripped from my hands. I can only hope that it happens quickly and that my suffering will not be dragged out. But beyond all else, I want my girlfriend to be happy no matter what. I know she cannot be happy with me while holding on to such resentment. If leaving me frees her from the cycle of anger and reliving the pain then I embrace it. She has gone through a lot. If either of us deserves to walk out of this standing tall it is her

I think I finally understand why my father drank so much. If all you have are memories of regrets, why would you ever want to be sober enough to remember them all?