ive always felt stuck in life. well... kinda

actually the times im happiest is when my life is physically packed with things to do. i always like to be busy. i think thats why i liked college because there was always something to do. only very few times got boring. but a lot of times boring becuz work was very confusing and hard and i gve up.

my ideal life before i got real sick with sz was dorm life in a university and going to philosophy club and drinkin coffee and talking philosophy over with a group of people in a cafe. intellectualize like sartre. but while i was in community college i got real psychotic. not just once but many many many times. college was just too stressful for me.

that is my current ideal life.
and i just gotta get thru my head that thats a fantasy. like if someone had the wife and kids or husband and kids with white picket fence fantasy.