(I hope I'm putting this in the right subforum.)

So I'm 22, living with my mother, aimlessly going to community college because A. it keeps me busy and B. the tax break from my being in school is the only thing keeping us afloat every year. Every term seems to end in complete breakdown, and I've had to skip a few to recover, because I don't handle stress well.

I kind of don't handle anything very well. I grew up in a household with an abusive grandfather, and as a result, I'm pretty withdrawn and awkward. My anxieties have anxieties, and I seem to slip in and out of sort of a depression fog periodically. I have very little energy or motivation, and when I do it comes in bursts that end suddenly and painfully. I get a little worse every year. I'm scared. I don't know how much longer I can keep going before I break down. The best I can say is that I'm not suicidal yet, and I can't see myself going there, but I honestly don't know. It's frightening to be in this state and it's really not fair to my wonderful, patient, loving boyfriend to have to be my constant emotional support. I feel guilty just for existing most of the time.

I really want to seek out a therapist, which is a terrifying prospect in itself. But I have no income-- I haven't been able to get a job, because on the rare (once a year) occasion I get an interview, I reliably freeze up and fail it, or panic too violently to even go. I have health insurance, but it's under my mother, who has a VERY negative and outdated opinion of mental healthcare. Among her objections:

1. Being diagnosed/treated will somehow be a permanent brand of "crazy!" on my forehead, which will prevent future employment (as compared to all the employment I've ever had, which is none)

2. Medications are bad and evil and they don't fix anything and they only dull your emotions and mask the problem!

3. I am a perfectly capable smart young lady and her own personal tragedies were much worse than mine, so I just need to suck it up and stop whining.

4. Her sister saw a quack therapist once so all of them are bad, forever.

I think she's also just resistant to the idea that her daughter is not a functional person. Maybe it's scary for her to acknowledge that, or it makes her feel inadequate or guilty.

I need a job so I can get help. I need help so I have a chance of getting a job and getting out. And if I somehow scrounge the money to get help, she will know, and it is likely to cause even more tension and anxiety in my life if I am "betraying" her by getting mental help. I can tell my mother is tired of supporting me, and she's always doomsaying about how we are probably going to lose the house and have to move in with her boyfriend (a living situation that I would not be able to tolerate). So she's kind of asking the impossible of me.

I just don't know how to get out of this rut. I need ideas. Has anyone else ever been stuck on an intolerant parent's insurance? Is there a way out that I don't know about? Alternatively, can anyone lend me some wise words that might convince her?