Sounds like a lot on your mind. In the Depression Forum, I noticed there's a place for Post-partum Depression, not sure, if that would be of any help, but most forums on this board, usually are more than helpful. I, personally, haven't checked it out, as I joined here, already having had my babies, a while prior.

Is therapy, something you've done or would consider? It's not a bad idea, to tackle fears and (try to)resolve any thing from your past, before having children.