Hey everyone, I haven't been on this site in years.

Found myself here again after going through a few weeks of agony.

I am newly engaged. This is my 4th engagement. I was married once, for a year,barely made it down the aisle. Engaged a few years later to one man, engaged again a few years after that to another man. Was then in a 2 yr long relationship w/ a man, had a child with him and was then single for about 2 1/2 years.
I have been w/ my new "fiance" since the summer.
He is a wonderful man, as have been my other 3 serious relationships. He has a job, loves my child, loves me, he's stable, etc. But here I am again doing everything in my power to sabotage the relationship. The cycle continues.
I want it different this time. I am actively seeking help NOW. I refuse to allow the same thing to happen again.
I am 36, he is 37. Funny thing ( to some of you, perhaps) is that I am an LPC. Ahhhh aren't we always the most screwed up of everyone. Laughable, really.

I have major mother issues. I haven't spoken to my mother in almost 3 years (my son is 3) - I refused to allow her back into my life. She is toxic and has hurt me, minimized me, been jealous of me, tried to control me my entire life. The one thing I've done right (thus far) is to cut her off. ALl of her ******** Emotional abuse, controlling, narcissistic- you know the usual messed up stuff that some of us deal w/ regarding our mothers.

anyhow, so hear I am.. crying, full of fear, begging GOD to just allow me to allow myself to not give up on this one, to actually see it thru, Begging that I find the courage to believe enough in myself.

can anyone shed some light? I am open to all opinions.

thanks in advance...