Thanks a whole lot for the triggering stories.

(Tip: Dec 3 episode of The Daily Show might be triggering. So might the rest of this post.)




Why the hill is it so easy for everyone else to stay away from food but so hard for me? Was I born with an especially gluttonous gene or something? Other people talk about how little they eat and they make it sound so easy, and that I always feel like I should be ashamed of myself because I eat more than them.

I am utterly convinced that the media wants everyone to have eating disorders. Every article or book about anorexia I read seems to have the subtext "This girl/woman is so wonderful. You should be more like her." I wish I were. I would give anything to be more like her. It would be so wonderful to have all those people love and respect me, and to have all those opportunities.

Please, people, stop telling me that I'm lucky that I'm healthy. I'm coming to hate that word. Healthy seems to mean I'm greedy, overprivileged, taking more than my fair share. It means that I don't understand adversity and so I'm doomed to fail in life, while more deserving people who know adversity will succeed.

I wish so much I were a deserving person, so I'd never have to worry about finding a good job, or setting goals and achieving them, or making friends. I know my wishes aren't very altruistic, that I should focus on helping others. I'm sorry that I can't. Other people seem to have it so easy, and I'm floundering on the most basic attempts at self-control. I don't have much hope for a successful future.

PS. No, not suicidal, just avoidant and resigned. Not planning to restrict. Not that planning would do much good anyway.