First I want to thank you all for putting up with my nonsensical ramblings this whole time. I apologize for my inability to verbalize what I've been struggling with.

Okay, so I've been digging around on all of this self-esteem building and you've all heard my lamentations and complaints.

But I think I figured out why it doesn't make sense to me!

In going through the concept of listing your "needs" it dawned on me that our self-esteem, although it doesn't hinge on others, is related to those around us. I've told stories about the knight who finally uses up all his weapons and his armor is destroyed (thank you Blue Oyster Cult). And I've talked about helping people out and things like that.

Well here's the kicker ... I've surrounded myself throughout my life with emotional vampires! It's not their fault or anything of that nature, but we all want to have someone help us get through the bumps and dips in life. Unfortunately, I attract and am attracted to people that need someone like that. The problem is that they aren't capable of providing that support themselves!

So after 40 years of being the "knight in shining armor" and being the emotional rock for everyone around me, I've finally run my tank dry. I'm not sure what exactly to do about it yet, but now I understand my problem! I've assigned myself the roll of the being the trunk of the tree, the lone soldier ... the hero of my relationships.

I'm not the leader. I'm like the knight that gets the kingdom back from the orcs and then gives it to the King and walks away. I get people where they need to be and then go on alone.

So now that I understand why I look around and can't get the support I need, I just have to figure out how to rebuild my self-esteem and self-worth while the people in my immediate circle continue to drain me.

Whew! Tally ho!