Have you talked to your therapist about how you are feeling. You are young so sometimes when you are young you can not see past the moment. And I know this sounds cliche but it does get better, but not without some effort. We all have different ways of being in the world. It doesn't matter if you can verbally express yourself with ease. Not everyone can. Focus on your ability to express yourself through writing. Keep a daily journal. Even if you just write one thing a day. Set a structure for your day. Get up early, wash up, straighten up your space, eat something anything. try to go outside at least once a day and breath. You are young and may have had a lot of pain through your young life but it will get better. There are good things for you ahead. Remind yourself about being a good writer and try not to put your focus on the things you don't like. Everyone has stuff they don't like about themselves. Even the most confident looking people. And if you don't have a therapist I think it would be a good idea to seek one out. Many communities have public mental health clinics that will help you work through this difficult time. And you don't have to talk in therapy. Not in the beginning. My therapist gave me her email address and I was able to express things through writing that I would have never talked about. Now I can talk more openly about things I thought I would never speak of. I hope you feel better soon you have a lot of good things ahead of you.