"...every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life."

A quote from the movie Office Space that describes my declining depression. I've been depressed since I was 12 years old; every single day--not a day when i didn't feel like complete ****.

I've been going through something kind of strange recently though; I've had DP/DR for a while, but recently it seems to have reached a whole new level: I literally feel nothing. My face is as flat as a board all day long. I have social phobia, I think--which has turned into asociality (or maybe the other way around). The only people I talk to are my roommates, and even then it's just me mindlessly responding to things they say, or just mindlessly interrupting their conversation with nonsensical mumbling.

I recently broke up with my long distance girlfriend of 6 years. I dated her from the ages of 13-19. While we were dating, I seemed to want to do things with other girls--but not I just seem to have no sex drive at all. I feel asexual, and I don't know if it's because of the break up. I go to a university that's rated in the top 3 for the most attractive girls (on some stupid site), but even still, I don't have any desire to pursue--to have sex--or to even talk to any of them.

Nothing makes me smile; nothing brings me joy; nothing comes to my mind. I'm pretty sure my body is just working on autopilot.

I think I have an expressive language disorder because I can't talk as well as I can write. When I talk my words are jumbled, and my sentences just don't makes sense. I've always been known for being a good writer--but I've always also been known as being a near-mute. I'm really envious of people who have authentic relationships with people--even though I feel like it's something I don't want. It's really a contradiction...

I can't look at people in the eyes; I can't relate to people... I am deeply cynical.

I was a good looking kid; random girls would come up to me and hug me, or ask to be my girlfriend. Now I feel like my looks are declining. I'm losing my hair at the age of 19, and I'm much shorter for my age now, since I was an early bloomer (I started puberty at 8).

People always call me out for mumbling and talking to low, but I feel like... no matter how hard I try... I can't speak any louder or better.

I just don't get it...

Other people around me don't seem like they're going through the hell that I am. At least they have the energy to talk to people; they care enough to fake smiles. When people tell me they're depressed, I just want to laugh at them, because unless they're bedridden... they know nothing.

I smoked marijuana every day for a year. I recently stopped because it gave me anxiety even in the smallest amounts (I had a permanent extremely low tolerance, it seemed). That's what probably caused my mind to worsen to what it is now... even though it's always been crap.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm already dead. Dreams and reality have begun to intertwine. I can't seem to pay attention to anything, because nothing seems to have any value. I don't enjoy music, movies; I really just don't enjoy anything.

I feel completely alone on this, because as I said before, nobody that I've seen seems as bad as me.

I'm hopeless... and I just desperately want to want.

Could something be wrong with me? Could some levels of something be off?
I tried Lexapro once, for about a month, but it just made me feel like how I'm feeling like now: numb, and ******.

Consolation or advice would be appreciated.

I usually post things on threads, and just run away from them and never look at them again because I fear what people may say, but not today...

Because today I'm much too miserable for that.

I smoked marijuana every day for a year.