As angry/betrayed/abandoned/hurt as I am over what happened with Robin, after last nights horrible experience all I could think of was to reach out to her but I couldn't, so I did that drawing, and this morning I was thinking about who I'd see, and wondering who was on call and realizing I'd have to share it with a total stranger and how I'm okay with it because I have to be. Because Robin no longer wants to talk to me/see me. So I have to share this deep discovery with someone who won't fully appreciate how difficult it was for me and how amazing it is I could do this. Robin would have celebrated with me, rewarded me in fact. Her happiness and feelings always beamed right off her face, she'd be so open about how proud she was of me.

And I knew I couldn't go to her with this, with anything anymore. And i want to share it with her, but I also don't in a way--but that's a punitive payback immature way. I can't share this with her. I can't go to her anymore. And I felt my heart just sink into a puddle. So this morning we had planned an appt before she ditched me on Friday night, I skipped it. Last time I skipped an appt she called my friend up, got my cell and then called me up and said, "Mel, you had an appt with me today, you never miss, never late. I'm really worried about you, are you okay? Give me a call as soon as possible, okay? Thanks." so this time, I knew better to expect a call but some part of me wanted her to show that she still gave a **** about me, so I slept with the phone next to my ear waiting for the call to wake me.

No call came. No call is coming. Just further proof that I'm so easy to cut out, ditch and no longer care for.

How I miss her. I miss seeing her, talking to her, even being with her. Yesterday she ran into my friend and I and refused to look at me or acknowledge my presence she just kept talking to my friend. The only time she acknowledged I existed was when she said 'you both' and told us to go do something. Sigh. Please Robin? This is torture. I miss you and need you.