I know, the real world, intellectually based answer is "of course not". In fact, the question on its face is actually offensive, I get that -- it promotes stigma , it implies that there is something wrong, morally, with anyone who gets psychiatric treatment.

I get that, believe me. The last thing I want to come off as is a bigot against those of us in the mental health community. Because, let me tell you, during this journey of mine over the past 16 months, I have met a let of people with MH issues who stand head and shoulders above many "normal" people in all respects.

So, this is purely my emotional response to the biggest thing I have struggled with -- the thought that I ended up in a psychiatric program.

To me, it feels like an unforgivable sin, or a crime which is beyond redemption. FOR MYSELF. I don't feel that way about other people -- I think I'm pretty enlightened, and I think I have a lot of empathy. I always am much, much harder on myself than anyone else.

Years ago, I knew a lady with an Italian father in law from Sicily. He had an interesting history -- he killed a man, premeditated murder -- it was a so-called "honor killing" - he caught the man having an affair with his married daughter, apparently in that culture, it brought such disgrace on the family that the remedy was to avenge the disgrace by killing the man.

I thought it was "crazy" -- so did my friend, who's father in law served quite a few years in prison for this "honor killing".

But, now I do understand something about it -- for honor, for pride, to save face. Because, I feel I have totally lost that. Again, I know, it's bigoted, prejudiced, stigmatizing to say that. But, I'm being brutally honest, it's how I feel.

And, as a result, I just don't feel like I can live with myself. I feel completely degraded by the experience of being sent, pretty much against my will in the sense I was afraid to say "no" to the psychiatrist, to a day hospital program.

So, frankly, I wish I were dead. I attempted it, and didn't go through with it. And now, I pretty much regret that on a daily basis. I have a few moments of happiness, but mostly just live in this black hole of shame.

I just don't know how I can go on, feeling this way about myself.

I know intellectually, this makes NO SENSE. I've had this conversation about a million times with my therapist, every session basically, and almost every time I see the psychiatrist. They both remind me, correctly, of the medical model of mental illness, that it is an illness and not my fault. I just can't emotionally accept that.

So, I contemplate the fact that I just can NOT live like this, and I have no idea how to break this belief that is so completely implanted in my mind that it has taken on a life of its own.

If anyone can think of any way to get through to me, please do so. I actually have a pretty great life, a lot to live for, so this is, frankly, just plain dumb when distilled down to it's essence, which is I am contemplating suicide because I'm embarrassed.