thanks everyone. I used to have a lifelong obsession with the visual arts.. and aspired to be something with it, but now i see that I am too concrete and uninspired for it. and that, to make a career out of it, would completely ruin it, because of the struggle for recognition and acceptance for artists. It strips the meaning of it to me, of there ever was one. Nothing else im 'good at' besides repeating my programming with no intuition.

i dont know if im 'depressed' about my future, stress, or lack of meaning in life.. maybe its all 3.. or maybe its my brain chemistry. or maybe it was just inevitable. or maybe i just think about it too much. whatever.. but i do know that, if statistics are any use to my future, and people with my mental disorder , I have a 2% chance of keeping a job.

thats all