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Originally Posted by growlithing
But why would she just use those words to someone she knows would have a problem hearing it? I hate people who just toss that word around even in a playful sense. It hurts to
hear it and then find out it wasn't serious.
She said she isn't leaving me after I discharge. She wants to see me outpatient. She said she's not leaving and I can't handle her leaving.
I don't know how to focus on me. That sounds weird. I've sat around and tried to reflect on myself. I haven't hurt myself in nearly two months. But I am really boring to focus on.
To be honest, I'm not sure if all of this isn't just overkill as I desperately avoid trying to process some weird memories that are resurfacing that might be CSA. I don't want these memories to come back, I don't know how to handle them, I don't know if they are real or not. I just aggressively want to not think about it. I've been hiding in my room, sleeping. Is that taking care of myself?
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Oh, don't get me wrong - I think it was very careless of her to have said it at all. I think you are probably right that it was early and she slipped up - especially as you caught her at a time when she was making coffee and probably wasn't fully in "working" mode. She would probably use phrases like that with her coworkers.
And I know she's seeing you once you're discharged - but someday down the road you'll leave therapy! (Sooner rather than later I hope!). Once you finish with therapy, for whatever reason... she won't be in your life anymore. She won't be with you until the day that you're getting old and wrinkley. Someday she'll retire. Things like that are what I'm talking about - I'm not talking about the moment you live the residential setting!
And no, hiding in your room and sleeping too much is most definitely not taking care of yourself. Just like refusing to ask for a change of clothes or to at least get your clothes washed, was not taking care of yourself.
I get how uncomfortable it is to really focus on yourself - I'm having one hell of a time with it myself, haha. I'm glad to hear that you haven't self-harmed in quite a while - that's excellent progress! What have you been learning to do to help make sure that you don't relapse once you're back at school and not in a monitored sort of setting?