The holidays used to be such a happy time for me. We would have HUGE family dinners, play games, watch movies, and on Christmas Eve my parents would even let us stay up really late. I can even remember not being able to sleep because they always made Christmas good for us.

But all of that ended on 24 November 1982, the night my dad was killed in a car accident. It was the night before Thanksgiving and I was bringing my first real boyfriend home to meet my dad. He had already met my mom and she approved but he had to pass the daddy test for us to have a future. (that relationship ended but that's for another story)

As we drove up to the house I saw some strange cars parked outside. I wondered why all of these people were there. But the one thing I didn't see was my dad's truck. I started to get scared. I had barely stepped inside the door and I was literally bombarded by all of these people as my mom told me that my dad had been killed. I crumbled into my boyfriend's arms and cried. I was told later that it was more like screaming but I don't remember that.

The next day we spent at the funeral home making the arrangements. One of my brothers stayed at home and made us a really nice meal even though none of us wanted to eat.

As this holiday season rolled around I started struggling much earlier than I usually do. You see I have been sick with a chest infection for over a month now. I missed a week of work, which I didn't get paid for most of, and we are now short on cash. We had Taco Bell for thanksgiving dinner this year. I just wasn't up to cooking at all let alone braving the stores to get food for a decent meal. My day was spent on my bed, playing video games and crying. I felt so alone without my dad there.

The "funny" part of all of this is that my dad was a drunken, wife beating, child abusing SOB. But I still miss him. I miss decorating the house. I miss the family dinners. I miss everything that made me happy that one short month of the year. Rarely did he have one of his outrage moments during the holidays.

Now the holidays are so different for me. I have a really nice tree and adorable ornaments but I won't set it up. I haven't cooked a real holiday meal since my divorce...we split up 10 years ago this year. I just want to forget all of the ugly parts of my life. I want to make all of the bad stuff just go away. But I can't. Why can't I? Part of me is afraid to let go of it because I'm afraid that I will forget the good stuff too.

Anyway I'm done with my pity party for now. Go on with whatever you were doing.