I just found out I was sexually abused today. Honestly, I don't feel like this is even real. I feel like this is something that could never happen to me, and I never would've known it until I found the drawings from when I was four or five. They were depictions of naked people doing inappropriate things that no child should know about at that age. There were pictures of me and a man engaging in sexual activities. I was mortified but still didn't immediate assume. Then I went back to when I had nightmares of my dad raping me, of men chasing me and doing things. (My dad was NOT the one who did this, it was just my fear of men in general) I now have this irrational fear of men that carries over to now. I'm fifteen going on sixteen, but I just feel...I don't know. Almost in shock. Certain things trigger certain memories. One song in particular makes me scared to death, and I picture a dark daycare room. I don't know who did it or what happened or when or where, but I know it happened. And I know that my parents have no idea and would not believe me, I'm sure, if I were to tell them. It's like...surreal, pretty much.

I still managed to laugh and smile a bit today, but it's sticking on my mind like glue. So many things make sense now. I'm really ashamed of some parts. Well for one, I believe I am asexual. Or at least, extremely opposed to sex. It scared me and makes me feel ill, but I can still get aroused, at very bad things though. Things I don't want to mention.

Does anyone know what this is like? Not knowing for most of your life and then suddenly discovering it. There is no doubt in my mind that this happened.