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ToeJam · 07:35 AM

Felt like a colossal waste of time both for the T and myself, was obviously not in the right place for it today.

Not sure what I was expecting… certainly not her fault… but do I really want to talk or deal with this anymore? Kept asking me what I wanted out of these sessions as if it was I that sought out to speak to someone (was the Drs idea) and perhaps there is the crux of the matter… have I just relinquished ownership of depression or my own desire to do anything? Was just thinking throughout about the point to any of this or the energy to fight. Gave her the perhaps weak lame arse answer that it’s affecting my relationships and work (no **** Sherlock) and if I’m to keep going, I need to smooth those parts over.

Mentioned that primarily it would be lovely to just flick a switch and start off fresh… but yeah, that’s just fantasising and not much she could respond to that.

Was handed a risk assessment to fill in before we even started… and she quizzed me why I had left out answering the ‘scale 1-10’ likelihood of me acting on si intentions… what could I say? I have no idea how I’ll feel later today.. be that the next 5 mins, 5 hours etc… I obviously haven’t done anything yet, does that mean I ever really intend to? Just seemed like a stupid generic question… no idea if I satisfied her with my reply… she brushed over it and moved on.

Turns out she’s a cbt T (had that kind before, with mixed results)… and said it’ll take approx 4 sessions till we actually get somewhere (my next appointment is in a month…….. great) or we conclude that this kind of therapy isn’t going to work for me… she gave up on the idea I have anxiety issues after giving me some home work task where I was to pin point my reaction to certain situations (for triggers)… I had looked at her quizzically, reiterating that I feel nothing and don’t care what others think anymore. So now I have to pin point times in the day and note down my moods.

So, here I am sitting here at work… writing this rather than work (such a rebel) .. still empty and lost in the depression.

Not really the outcome I was hoping for (some miracle fix perhaps)… but that’s the way the crumbs fall.

GP session on Monday…