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I have forced myself to go to work all week. I am just soooo tired. I'm a letter carrier. Seeing all the packages gives me anxiety and they are multiplying every day. God has gotten me thru each day.
Today I have off! Going shopping with my mother but really need to detach from her, detach from her misery.
All my life- it's always been about HER feelings. If I feel differently- she'd say "you shouldn't feel that way, you're just like your father, I can't believe my own daughter feels this way, you twisted it" etc.
She totally believes love is a behavior. (thanks Dr. Phil) If you don't feel or act in the manner in which she expects- then you must not really love her.
Anyway, the situation is that my parents divorced in 1983 and since 1983 every year has been a hassle with the holidays. She doesn't want to be there if he is there. My mother had been remarried but he has since passed away. My father has a girlfriend.
Well, it is not my fault they got a divorce. I only know I want to be happy at Christmas. Even my son (who is 22) is aggravated with her.
The other problem is that my brother does not really have my mother as part of his life. I understand how our mother is- but no one is perfect. I don't really get why he is doing this. I mentioned to him "how are you gonna feel when she is gone?" and he said "How can you miss someone who is not part of your life?"
So it is really messed up. She got an invite to my house for Thanksgiving (my father and brother were not coming) and she didn't come because of her pain. She feels she has lost a son and she is totally miserable.
I think it is so unfair of her to say she doesn't know why she is on this earth, and to tell me her thoughts of suicide. Hello, you have a daughter who has depression and is trying to keep her head above the clouds and into the sunshine.
The part that is frustrating is that she will not seek help. She says the only thing that can help her is my brother, that a pill is not gonna change things. Well, my meds don't make everything hunky dory but makes life easier to deal with.
And so I have mixed feelings about spending today with her because it's all about her feelings. I truly don't need to be dragged down, especially by someone who is unwilling to help herself.
I will do my best to detach.
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