*triggerish - be careful*

I know I'm not the worst person on the face of the planet. I know I have worth and that I'm generally a good person and friend to people. I know things can get better in my life.

I know all of that.

I just wish I knew how to be happy. How to let all the good stuff people say sink in without trying to deny it. How to not apologize for expressing myself and asking for help when I need it. How to give myself a break, realize I'm only human and that we all make mistakes, we're all flawed. How to let myself feel, be loved and how to love myself.

My therapist told me today that she doesnt want to see me for a while. I'm in a psychotherapy group with her and a psychiatrist for the next 8-10 weeks and she told me she doesnt want to see me individually in that time.

I dont know how I feel about that.

I'm too emotionally out of control, and all over the place. Crying at the drop of a hat, not being able to watch myself and take care of myself and not cut myself down. It's just so hard.

School's smothering me. My friends are too nice to me but making me sad since some are graduating in 3 months. Life is trying to make me fall in the mud, trying to slowly let me sink into the big dark hole.

I'm anxious more often now too. Not SIng, but not being able to control the nervous scratching. I dont want the pain, I just want my anxiety and emotions to stop trying to come out or hurt me.