Thanks for all the feedback. Yeah the childhood question actually answered so many questions for me. Funny because the person who was so combative in my childhood is at it again. I have learned a lot that has been beyond helpful. I the best lesson I've learned is dealing with people that have victim mentalities is a no win situation. They will assign you blame for their misery and not understand that they are not the center of everyone's world. I have realized i have had a victim mentality forever. I can't even explain what a load is lifted! I do think its very hard to realize that one has this as that would require one to admit they were wrong.
Watching this person go around, acting paranoid, treating those close like dirt. Having no comprehension of how draining they are, when they think they are the ones people mistreated. i started realizing i was like with my mother in law. every hint she gave i took as a insult. my dh never did anything right. I have to say we are getting better now than we have in years!! Having to be right and win the argument is something I can live without now.