I know exactly how you feel, bree.....I am going through the EXACT feelings & thoughts that you express myself. If I sleep, I wake up feeling so angry that I haven't died in my sleep - that's how crazy-depressed I feel. It's like there's no end in sight, eh? No more will or energy left to fight this horrible beast. I am sooooo fed up w/ depression & feeling so horrible about myself, too. I told this to two close friends the other day & they both said, "Well, I know you can get better.....there is always a way...perhaps a different path this time." They were/are very supportive - and one suffers from bipolar (who, by the way, is doing a lot better than 5 years ago) - so what I try to do is believe them, believe their faith in me, their faith that I will get better. B/c I really can't get much worse.

It's really nice that you have a bf....I don't - haven't had too many ltr b/c of this damn depression - but I'm sure he really cares about you.

Also - just a thought - but, perhaps write down what your greatest fears are re: change, moving forward, taking risks, etc. Try to have someone supportive go over them w/ you & put these in perspective. Remember that we all as human beings are scared over many things....one thing I've learned is that so many ppl who I thought were the most confident, happy & assured ppl are afraid & insecure (perhaps a little less than you & I, but nonetheless). I guess most ppl can hide it, or some a lot better than others.

I once read this quote - and it effected me so much that I memorized it (which is huge b/c I have a terrible memory a lot of times): The degree to which you fear the future is equal to the degree you fear giving up the past. I know that hits home for me.

Hang in there.....hope this helps.

d