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Dec 05, 2013, 03:23 PM
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Member Since: Dec 2012
Location: California
Posts: 2,248
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Quote:
Originally Posted by likelife
Yeah, I think you're right. And maybe neither will ever come. I wish I could get past the sense of powerlessness that comes with that realization.
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oh Gawd. I sooooooo know that feeling. I read your words and it took me back. I could feel it in my body as it slumped and remembered. I just wrote a whole paragraph about how you aren't that powerless, and she doesn't have the power she wants, blah blah blah. And then took it out. I do know the pain of being rejected and feeling powerless to change that. I've come to accept that - most days. It still makes me sad, but I don't feel so powerless anymore. Actually, I feel kind of good. But it took a lot of time and work. It was good work.
One of the reasons I was rejected was I wouldn't be compliant with something she wanted from me. I'm glad I had the power during a time of a lot of pain, to know what I do and don't know, and do and don't want to be, and didn't believe her just because she was the T. I still think she was wrong in what she wanted me to do, and believing I could just make myself do or be or say what she thought was right to do. I lost my beloved T because of it. But I didn't lose myself. That's some consolation, but I understand it still hurts.
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