I think I can understand something of your distress, as I find myself angered each time I read your post. I couldn't reply immediately, perhaps because of my own recent losses. I couldn't imagine not hearing from my family at so critical a time. I can't imagine being deprived of an opportunity to shape your own experience of their passing. Your brother-in-law's duty did not end at a list with merely 2 items, IMHO.

I'm really sorry for your loss, and more sorry for how it came to be that way.

Lar