Quote:
Originally Posted by RomanSunburn
I think you need to stop thinking she needs to be "fixed." I find it objectifying and demeaning.
I agree with everything Confusedinomicom said. Her experience was extremely traumatizing for her. Not only has she equated sex with mental pain, but also physical pain (her mind is going to remember that it hurt, expect it to hurt again, clench up, and make it hurt worse), and the two of those together is enough to put anyone off it forever. I think you need to start trying to see the issue from her perspective. How would you feel in her place? I agree, I think you should help her find a therapist to help her process her experience. By continually getting frustrated over it, you're just making her feel worse and actually reenforcing the idea that the only important thing about her is her vagina, which in her mind is a piece of crap because someone else left her over it. Honestly, even if you do wait until you are married, I wouldn't be surprised if she had the same reaction.
Another point to consider, stop thinking that someone else had intimacy with her. Because, clearly, that didn't happen. You're still in college, you're young, you have the rest of your life to have sex. Don't put so much immediacy on it that you forget why you want to be with her in the first place.
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I do apologize for using the term "fixed" - I understand the negative connotations that carries. I meant it more along the lines of "help."
And I wasn't the one who brought up marriage - I have yet to even BEGIN thinking about that prospect.
Furthermore, I haven't really expressed the full problem to her and I haven't really let it show how frustrated I am openly (the emotion on my part is mostly internal).
And I understand - I need to take it slow. But I'm just worried that she's not going to try to make any progress if I don't start trying to get her to progress - even just a little.
As for my thoughts on her past, I know I shouldn't think about it, but it's like a cancer that eats away at me the longer we go without sex. I feel like her ex was somehow better than me - he dated her for a shorter period of time and got to a place that I just cannot get. How can I move past this?
And on a therapist, my gf just isn't the type to deal with that. I already attempted to bring that up before, and she scoffed so hard at the notion that I didn't move on with it (there is a sexual therapist at our college here in Japan, but I just don't think she would be okay with doing that - it took her so long to open up to me!)