Quote:
Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon
They haven't had vaginal sex. Telling him to wait isn't the best solution/advice in this case.
I would suggest her seeing a therapist/sex-therapist about the break-up to process with them. She is obviously traumatized by her first time which could suggest she was pressured her first time which could potential equate to rape. This is serious and you continually suggesting to have vaginal sex is not going to help the matter. If she's having panic attacks over it, the best thing YOU could do is support her in finding a therapist and not feeling ashamed she needs to process with someone about her experience.
You may also want to look into cultural differences to see if this is common behavior with other eastern Asians.
Also, you should be grateful she's putting out at all. Just because you're not having vaginal sex doesn't mean you can't have a meaningful sexual and intimate life. Having vaginal sex isn't the be-all-end-all to a relationship. You're still experiencing intimacy with your girlfriend and at least she trusts you enough to do everything else.
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I think she wouldn't be okay with seeing a therapist (as I said in my last reply) because she is uncomfortable speaking about her past - it took her a very long time for her to open up to me.
And yes, I do believe she was traumatized to a certain extent: she only did it because she feared that, towards the end of the relationship, she was going to lose her ex if she DIDN'T have sex. Turns out he left her anyway.
I think this kind of thing is common - at least in Japan. Females are regularly seen as below men, and many girls' first experiences come at the hands of men whose sole goal is to have sex and then move on to other girls. My gf was naive enough to think that her ex actually had concrete feelings for her.
And I know how lucky I am - I'm sorry if I come across as ungrateful for everything that she has done with me. But it's just the fact that she allowed another man, in a shorter period of time, to have sex with her while she makes me wait is killing me inside (I haven't expressed this to her - this is all internal).