Quote:
Originally Posted by hamster-bamster
I do not see how marrying her would help alleviate the anxiety. If the idea is that marriage is the ultimate guarantee that you - unlike that other guy - would not leave her, then, yes, I can see the point, but that point would only be helpful for that subcomponent of her anxiety which is the fear that having sex leads to being abandoned. Her anxiety has many more subcomponents which are not going to "yield" to marriage. Say, you wrote "she has (since the scarring Japanese sex ed videos of her childhood) come to fear the organ between her legs. " - how is marriage going to help with that? I think the idea that marriage will fix the problem is an example of magical thinking.
If you know enough Japanese, make some searches for therapists who treat anxiety in one of those modalities - Exposure and CBT - and offer her some choices, making sure that she knows that you do NOT have quantifiable expectations of her progress. In other words, find some professionals and express a hope that maybe, with therapy, one day and with absolutely no deadlines, your gf would be comfortable enough to proceed to intercourse.
So that is about your gf, now about you - why do you feel insecure just because you have not had PIV (penis-in-vagina)? You have done, per your report, a variety of things sexually; you report being sufficiently and even more than sufficiently equipped in this department (you worried that she was too small for your penis) - so what is that makes you feel insecure? You wrote about this insecurity as if it were obvious that one in your situation would be insecure - at least for me, it is not obvious, so I am asking the question.
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I wasn't the one who brought up marriage - that is still a far off thing that I have yet to think about.
In my other replies, I stated that there is indeed a (supposedly good) sexual therapist here on the campus of our Japanese college, but that my gf would be most likely unwilling to go for help. I have suggested her close room mate from her time in America, but she has yet to seek out that option.
As for my insecurity - I guess it stems from the fact that I've always had a negative perception of myself and my body. I have a lot of regret stemming from my shyness in high school - shyness that I absolutely know for a fact prevented me from having my first sexual experiences in those days. So it comes down to that and my jealousy that I haven't had any past experiences but my gf has - and furthermore, she wasn't necessarily WANTING to do her past experiences - she did them mostly solely out of fear of her ex not being happy.
Idk - it just drives me crazy that, while my gf was spending her time being sexually active with a man that would just leave her so coldheartedly, I was just doing nothing with my time outside of school and other meaningless things. I guess it just hurts that she had this meaningful relationship with someone else who was then able to do things (namely, sexual intercourse) with her while I have (after close to 2 years) been unable to.
It makes me feel like there's also something wrong with ME. Is she not attracted to me sexually? Is she not attracted to who I am? Does she still harbor feelings for her ex? Was he more attractive than me? Was he more intelligent than me? Richer than me? Just overall better than me?
And then just the jealousy plays a factor as well: I have these special intimate moments with my gf, and I just know that some other man in this country has had those same moments and MORE with her.