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ToeJam · 07:07 AM

Spoke to my supervisor at work (he's suffered from depression himself), in plain factual ways... he's aware I don't talk about feelings and hate melodrama.

Gave him a low down of yesterday and without great detail told him about the fight I’m having over fixation on ideation.

I said that as it stands I’m in a damned if I do, damned if I don’t situation… I fight, but I’m just getting wishy washy treatment… which is being contra’d by the thoughts that the only way anything will be done is if I just give up fighting (Didn’t use the suicide word, obviously)… which I acknowledge as a very dangerous game to play as I know pride would stop me calling for help if it got to that point.

So yeah, currently feeling screwed… I fight and feel like I’m doing this alone because the health care system in this country is crap if you’re in that middle ground – and end up being miserable for possibly the rest of my life. Or I just go with the f it route… and see where the cards fall.

He advised that I be honest with the Dr on Monday and let him know that I’m totally unsatisfied with the treatment given so far… that it’s leaving me with no benefit to my well being… and no hope.

Thoughts?

Edit: after some reflection, and that's all I really have now... I've come to a conclusion regarding the risk assessment I mentioned yesterday. Sorry, I am angry/frustrated/lashing out... however you want to label it.. I know that

but yeah anyway:

It was purely for the purpose of covering her own arse. She didn't appear to give a crap, nor wanted to go into detail of how strong the feeling of SI are... she just wanted to be able to tick a box that said she didn't think I was going to do anything there and then. Truly, that is all I feel like right now... some faceless statistic... so what if I don't want to keep feeling like this and want some immediate help... as long as 'professionals' can tick their little bureaucratic red boxes that insinuate they gave care to what ever 'standards' they need to meet... then they can happily wash their hands.

I feel so lost, frustrated and angry right now... and its all for nothing... I might as well be shouting on the moon.

That is no reflection on you guys... I relish chatting to all of those that have crossed my path and chatted... but when it comes to concrete help, from the professional side of things I just feel like I'm getting jack ****.