I was in the same type relationship for 23 years, and the divorce nearly destroyed me. The second time I married (now 17 years) I thought I chose better. Evidently not. Now at my age seeing that my old age is around the corner, I was hoping to age gracefully with this man I love. We are so enmeshed that he thinks we are the same person and so since I must be part of him, he feels no need to converse with me unless it is to bark an order, and though he spends all day everyday on the phone obsessively talking to evryone he knows everyday, when it is my turn for attention, he's all used up. I am lonely and can be in the same room with him. He's a very good man, and will do anything for anybody.....except me.
If I knew that I could financially take care fo myself it would be an easier decision to make. I am resolved to break up the marriage at times, and at others, I want to grow old with him. But things need to change. We were in therapy but his younger sister just diagnosed with terminal lung cancer so our therapy and relationship are on hold till she passes as he is who she totally depends on. I cannot leave while he is going through this so I am stuck. Seems I am stuck often. Not to mention my fear of being alone...my biggest hurdle.
Hang in as long as you can, but if you lose yourself in the process, take baby steps to get out of it. You don't have to rip it apart all at once. That's how I am handling it so that when /if the split happens, I won't be so panicked or depressed. It would be so much easier if I didn't still love him (the good side of him).