Quote:
Originally Posted by A Red Panda
I'm glad to see that you recognize that she can't be there all the time.
The attachment has to lessen. You cannot cling to it growli, it isn't healthy for you. You're in this setting to learn how to NOT be attached and how to care for yourself. You aren't doing that if you're actively clinging to your T.
ETA: Also, what did you do yesterday to actively take care of yourself? I'm glad that you made it without pushing yourself in to see T somehow. But what did you actually do? From your posts all I can see if that you were obsessing over your T. I'm sure you did more than that with your day!
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I'm actually not obsessing over my T. I'm obsessing over disturbing memories/thoughts/whatever the hell these images are. I'm using her to help me process and get rid of it. Or I'm obsessing over her to help me not obsess over that.
Like, yesterday I had to call my mother to set up travel plans because my T and I have exhausted all options and there is literally nothing I can do except going back to that hell hole for three weeks just to appease her. Suddenly going financially independent right now isn't actually possible for me because I have no credit score to take out any loans. So once I talked to her and she gave me fresh ammo to be upset about that was less troubling than either my T or my memories, I ran with that and obsessed about hating her for a while. Even though she really honestly didn't say anything that upsetting. The little things she did annoyed me and I used that annoyance to break myself out of this cycle.
But then the annoyance turned to fear because she said if I don't figure out my flight plans by this evening, she'll make me drive back which would mean a 16 hour car ride with my dad. That sounds absolutely unbearable especially considering my memories/thoughts that are just starting to surface and I'm starting to think he did something to me. And I can't handle the idea of sitting with those thoughts with him right there for 16 consecutive hours.
So me obsessing over my T is an expression of genuine feelings, but I'm doing it because it's emotional enough for me to latch on to and push away the more upsetting directions my mind has been going.
And I don't feel criticized at all.